Well, merry Christmas everybody!
I'm feeling a bit more in the spirit now that I'm here in the old homestead, so I figured I would give out a few Christmas gifts to members of the sports world.
So imagine me gracefully bounding from a fireplace as we take a peek into my giant present bag...
-Rob Parker, Detroit News columnist. Gift: Swift Kick with a Santa boot. If you haven't seen the Rod Marinelli press conference, just know that the question "Do you wish your daughter had married a better defensive coordinator?" was involved. This guy gets a 9 out of 10 on the douche-o-meter, and is on my list of guys that shouldn't get paid to do the job I wish I had.
-New York Yankees. Gift: A Giving Christmas Spirit. I don't necessarily feel bad for the other teams in the Major Leagues or even the AL East, I just hate to see Mark Texiera and CC Sabathia end up as the same type of washed-up has-beens that Johnny Damon became and Jason Giambi has barely survived. I really think the Yankees would offer $100 million if I could get the Red Sox to pretend they were interested in signing me.
-The NFL. Gift: A sense of humor. Wes Welker was fined this week for making a snow angel. Shaun Ellis was fined for throwing a snowball at fans who had just thrown snowballs at him. Frosty the Snowman was suspended because he wouldn't take off his hat, which obviously didn't meet league uniform regulations.
-The NBA. Gift: A soup kitchen. With all the coaches that have been laid off this year, I figure there may be some hard times a-comin'. I also thought about giving league general managers the gift of patience, but maybe that's too much to ask.
-University of Texas. Gift: Ohio State in a bowl game. I can't really claim this gift, since the BCS committee already gave the Longhorns the opportunity to play a team that has gotten smacked around in two straight national championship games and gotten worse since. I don't think beating the Buckeyes will make Mack Brown and friends feel any less jilted by their conference and the BCS, but I will enjoy watching the most overrated team in college football get lit up.
-Urban Meyer, University of Florida football coach. Gift: A soul. I don't have any real evidence for his lack of a soul, other than all the signs that suggest he traded his in. He went undefeated at Utah to help the Utes become the nation's first BCS-busters, then came to Florida to win a national title in his second season with a quarterback that no one believed in. That quarterback's back-up turned out to be possibly the best college football player of all time who is also a missionary. Oh yeah, Meyer's Gators have a shot at another national title on January 8. All that screams that Satan is the proud current owner of Urban's soul. Just kidding, but seriously...
That's all the fun I can handle for now, but I hope you all have a merry Christmas!