Dear fantasy football team,

So all you guys have been drafted to play for this illustrious franchise, the Macon Babies, and you should feel lucky. To my first round draft pick, Steve Slaton, I knew when I pre-set my player rankings and draft strategy, that the chips would fall to where you would be my guy. Yes, you are more valuable to me than Tom Brady, Donovan McNabb, Steve Smith, and Clinton Portis. Don't let all those Pro Bowls and Super Bowls get you down. Your team is perennially awful, but you are my shining star.
In week one, I need a good performance out of you. When the Eagles play the Panthers in that opening tilt, I could use a 300-399-yard game out of Donovan McNabb. A couple of touchdowns would be great, but no interceptions please. At the same time, I need Steve Smith to get over 200 yards and a couple touchdowns. Basically, I need an offensive shootout. I'm not even going to discuss how ridiculous things need to get if Portis gets injured in the preseason and I have to put in the Panthers' Jonathan Stewart.
Furthermore, Peyton Manning, you're not on my team, and, in fact, you're my opposition. Thus, a 10-40 performance with 120 yards and a touchdown would be a blessing. Especially if all 10 of those completions are to my guy Dallas Clark. That's right, please ignore Reggie Wayne and your other speedy receivers. Clark is slower, therefore more thorough. Remember the tortoise and the hare? If not, I'll give you a hint: the rabbit loses.
Otherwise, if Brady hurts his knee again, I'm gonna need you to step up JaMarcus Russ... Okay, that's a long shot. I should just stop. Good luck, guys!

-Jeremy
Owner
Macon Babies